2
0
My first clear memory of feeling like I was not good enough, was when I was in Standard 5 (Grade 7) I was never an over achiever, I just enjoyed doing a lot of things, and when I enjoy something, I just naturally seem to do it well. Wow, listen to that modesty, I never speak of myself as good at anything, so that sentence seem unfamiliar in my head. But thinking back, I pretty much kicked ass. I wish I still carried the confidence I did back then, while at the same time I wonder if I was actually confident, or was I just trying so hard to fit in and get attention.
I have never been popular. Naturally when at the end of my Standard 4 (grade 6) year, school prefects were chosen via voting from your fellow students, I was obviously not chosen. Despite it not bothering me at all, as I did not care for the responsibility, I feel this was the pinnacle point in my life where the distinction between my siblings and I was made. I did not make it a complete number of siblings that got the honor of being on the student body. After all, why had my parents been on the governing body for all those years, and then for me to disappoint the family name.
2 years prior to this, my school marks went down, I just did not care for school work. I clearly remember that instead of trying to find out why I was not doing well, my mom took me to a remedial school in a close by town and told me that if my marks did not improve she would send me there. I felt shamed. I now know that I, from a very young age had anxiety, crippling anxiety, but despite my mom’s own depression and anxiety she was unable to focus on me. The easier children was easier to handle, the anxious one, draining. Her own condition crippling her, her marriage and family. I was always very aware that all was not ok.
My siblings got straight A’s, and I was more your average b or c. I feel like I always had to live in the shadows of their spotlights. The eldest was a Brainiac, Popular, Head girl and the Pride and Joy of the family. Even our Grandparents seemed to favor her, she was the baby that replaced their eldest when she left the country. From the 3 of us, she was the only one who ever got to go over to the USA with them. First time as a baby, she did an almost world tour, and second time when she was in standard 4 or 5. 3 months of bliss in the rocky mountains. The middle child, the peacemaker, the calm collected one, the glue that holds the family together (she is still revered to as such), and me, the accident, who was loud, confident yet awkward and over the top!! To much… yet not enough…
After not becoming a prefect, (my parents even did an investigation in the voting) I dedicated my standard 5 year (Grade 7) to every single extra curricular activity I could possibly get my hands on. At the annual school swimming gala, the “chosen few prefects” were sitting under the trees, while I did swimming stokes I did not even knew existed. The teachers saying, I am a better example of leadership, yet it was such a pity I was not popular enough. This made me work even harder. I studied hard, swam hard, ran fast, jumped high and far, threw a netball in the hoop from the line, bowl a cricket ball straight and fast, painted more, drew more, participated in more dance activities, more public speaking. Surely I could prove my worth.. to my family, to my teachers, to my peers?
Prizegiving night: Dressed in my Royal Blue School Uniform, including blazer, freshly polished school shoes, my long blond locks tied into a high pony tail, with royal blue ribbon hanging down. This was my night, this was what was going to finally prove my worth. It was my time to shine, and man did I. Top Adamical Student with distinctions in all subjects, Certificates and Awards in all sports, including top Sports Award. Top art and culture student. The headmaster told me to just stay on stage as it would be a long evening of me walking up and down. This is what I worked for, this was my moment.
But it never was, because my parents and siblings were not there. They wanted nothing to do with the school, because I was not a prefect, they even resigned from the governing body. My grandparents had to take me that evening and was sitting in the crowd. Despite my oldest sibling being the favorite, my grandparents loved us all, and was basically my rock during my childhood. So despite all my achievements, I was still not good enough for my parents, I was not worthy of their time. 23 years later, I still hold on to the water paint, that I received as part of my art and culture prize that evening. Beautiful glass jars that I have turned into a shrine for myself, to remind me of a time that I was good enough, maybe not for anyone else, but for myself.
Nothing will knock you down quicker than offering the best of yourself and it still not being good enough. – M.W Poetry
