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Rejection, such a simple word, that can hold such different meaning for different people. I struggle with this word? feeling? emotion? I always try and describe my feeling of rejection as follow to people; think about the time in your life that you felt the most hurt or pain or rejection, that you were numb and unable to do anything. (close your eyes and put yourself in that moment for a couple of seconds)
Now imagine feeling like that every second of every day. Yes, even if someone does not greet me as happily as normal, if the person in the shop decides to not help me, or if no one comments or responds to my social media posts, all the small things included. I know how it sounds, and I know it seems stupid, superficial and probably a million other words I can add in here. However out of everything I deal with, my RSD has to be the hardest for me to deal and cope with daily life. This one is the most crippling. But if you look back and go into detail of my life, I have lived thru so much rejection, that it is not surprising that this is my bodies defense system kicking in.
It is this exact condition that has lead to my depression and anxiety being out of control and ultimately caused my burnout and breakdown. Why? Because I do not ask for help, because I am scared of that two letter word…. no. I convinced myself that I am strong and that I do not need anyone and I can do it all myself. Because sadly, the times that I did ask for help, and when I did receive it, it came with conditions and when I was unable to meet these conditions, I was tossed aside, again rejected, thrown away, like garbage. Which again added to my low self esteem and feeling of worthlessness.
When I decided to write this blog entry, I was going to continue with the theme of toxic relationships, over the past couple of weeks I have been going thru some major life changing things and I have felt so bad that so many people are put out by what I have achieved. When the people who are supposed to be the closest to you, are not happy for you, but rather resentful and jealous? How am I supposed to ever be and feel good enough, that even while I have done everything in my f@&*1#G power to be great, to be successful, to do the impossible that none of us would ever be in the position to do, I am again made to feel that I am doing the wrong thing,
WHY, because for the first time I am not doing things anymore to please others, I am doing things for me, I am not doing another course or trying to win another trophy or become the best at what ever, I am doing it for myself, without the approval or need of approval from those around me, because it has been evident my entire life, that I will always be to much…or not enough. Never just perfectly right, and accepted by those around me. But off course my RSD does not allow my mind to accept this, so easier said than done.
I have realized that no matter how hard I try, my siblings will always see me as either a threat or weak. This was the reason for me wanting to continue with the toxic relationship theme, but all I could get out was rejection. In one week I have received the final confirmation that I have purchased a property, and news that one of my dear friends have passed away in a freak accident. Not a prays or we or proud of you, and no condolences for my breaking heart. Why do I try so hard to please them? Why does their opinion matter so much to me, or do I long for the same acceptance I have finally received from my parents.
My take away that I need to work on in therapy, is how do I finally get over this, how do I learn to deal with rejection like normal people. Will this be the key to me finally accepting myself and be happy? Am I really enough? Or do I continue to try and convince myself that I am.
I am worthy, loved, safe and enough regardless of: The way others treat me, my relationship status, my wounds, how much money I earn, how many friends I have, social media account activity and educational grades. – wheresmollie
I know that I am hard to love. Some days I am all smiles and affection and then other days there’s nothing I want more than to be quite and lie in bed. Sometimes I get angry about stupid things and don’t want to talk. Other days I am the center of conversation. But surely I am WORTHY TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED
