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I don’t trust easily anymore. I have had to learn through my life that most people cannot be trusted, well some of the ones I have had the displeasure of knowing. I also do not have the best judgement when it comes to trusting people. So when I do let you in, you would have given me some reason to trust you and when I open up to you, it means that I have hopefully made the right choice to confide in you. Also, if someone gives me “attention”, I kind of grab onto it like someone who have not eaten for days, would do to food. So when I do open up to you, do take you into my space and consider you to be a friend or confident, please, please do not mess it up. (I have learned that I can cut you from my life in a heartbeat and never look back and the people I have done this to, goes on to regretting it, because I am actually a F*%*# nice person) But, that is not how things work, and I have so many times been let down by people who pretend to care, to only manipulate the situation to their own benefit and then break my trust. My challenges and personality allows for me to be candy to narcissistic people. I just don’t know how I am drawn to such people so easily, you would think that I would have developed major warning sensors by now, like little antennas sticking out my head, that makes me look as alien as I feel.
This post will be focusing on one of the biggest lessons I have learned as an adult. How to, as best as I can, identify people who manipulate me. Pretty generally, but also more specific to one particular person. For me, thus far it is those people who are to nice. Really how doff am I, I mean come on, no freaking person is actually that nice ALL THE TIME, not unless they have some hidden agenda. There has been a number of times in recent years that I had to learn this the hard, hard way.
Rewind back a couple of years. It goes without saying that I do not have the biggest support structure. I have had one hell of a ride with my eldest child, I am talking hospital trips that in duration amount to years. Together with hubby we faced this storm alone. Then enters my “best friend”, yes I considered her that, for a couple of years. The reality is that I think at first it was genuine and she became the support I never had. Thinking back, She probably needed me just as much as I needed her. The problem however with being the way I am, you look past the warning signs, because you only focus on the good and in a way we probably equally used each other (others might argue that it is called support, which it probably was, but when it finally ended I felt used) Support is also a word that is very foreign to me.
I should have been suspicious when at first she could not do enough to help me. It was this that made me blind to what she was doing. I don’t think that she is a bad person. Maybe a little pshyco, but then who isn’t, I had to cut her from my life, because she was not good for my mental health. She stole from me, almost from the get go. Small things at first, bigger things later, withdrew money from my business account, made me believe it was fraud, which caused my account to be frozen, and I could not pay wages, over Christmas. This was still not enough to make me cut her from my life. Because as much as I knew deep down that it was true, I did not have concrete proof. Until one day she went to far and the envelope with cash that was meant to keep the business running for another 2 weeks, was gone. CCTV footage does not lie. Boundaries is something I did not have, unless I cut you from my life and then you won’t even be able to find the boundary wall.
I am not a materialistic person, to me the above are all earthly possessions that do not determine what type of person I am. The part that hurt me, the thing that broke my trust in her, and my ability to trust was that she manipulated me to the point where she could basically walk into my house and my business and take what she wants, without me batting an eyelid, manipulated me by using my children, turning my own children against me, telling them in front of me that they should love her more than me? So she can continue to have full access to my “stuff” to satisfy her need to steal? so she could have a second chance at being a mom?
“Psychotic Narcissistic Kleptomaniac’
So I cut her from my life. At first, it was hard, but as my mind started wondering back on the years, I realized how she was not much different from the man who broke me. I was angry that I was so weak, that I could so easily be manipulated by others. When I cut her from my life, I as portrayed was this horrible person, who is unstable, using my weaknesses against me.
Society brands people with mental illness, cast us aside and if they could, ban us from the city borders. They want to make people believe that you are not capable of being successful, that you are a danger to those around you, that you cannot be a normal functioning human being. So off course, my depression and anxiety counted against me, because who would people believe? The helpful, kind, unselfish person, who have taken care of, and been there for me, or me, the one who needs medication to most days get out of bed. The one who lives behind a mask, because she is so scared to show who she really is.
Until now, I never felt the need to share my side of the story, what does it matter in anyway. She tried getting me into an institution, for many years, she encouraged it. I took it as being supportive. Until one day she uttered the words, if anything happens to you, I would just step in and take your place, your children love me, and I will run your business. Life will continue as normal. Suddenly I could not help but wonder if the manipulation and support for me to get help was some sort of plan to step into my life? Suddenly it felt like all the times she made me question my own memory or sanity was not the narcissist in her making me believe I am loosing my mind, I am really going of track here, no one in their right mind would want to trade places with me. But then, my life from the outside seems perfect. That mask…..
So trust is something I have very little left of. If she had to know that I decided to get help. she would bask in the joy of me snapping and being declarer crazy. I however win this round. Getting help has changed my life, it has made me a better person, it has made me see that life is not out to get me, that I am and can be in control of my life (to a large extend, because you know, chemical imbalance is a bitch if you take your meds late one day) , that I am perfectly me and that my mental conditions has played a large part in me being the caring, helpful, compassionate person I am today. I wish I could grant her the privilege of getting help for her own conditions. I am not ashamed to say I needed help, if I had a heart condition, surely I would go and get that treated, so why must mental illness be so much different.
Thank you for breaking “trust”, because it has also made me more aware of who I am, and who I need to look out for. By learning more about the different types of narcissistic people I am able to navigate and steer clear of people who are there for me, because they want something from me. Hopeful it will help me meet people who are real, who do love me for me and can help me rebuilt and restore this thing called trust that is broken inside me.
You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself. -Unknown
