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The thing I have learner about being a cycle breaker, is that not everyone will be on board with your choice to break this cycle. People you think will support you don’t and the ones you never thought would, does. This in itself creates a new cycle that includes resentment, accusations and a new set of trauma. Because, you would need to face and stand up to people who have been apart of this cycle, whether they were responsible for it, or just tangled in the mess. Personally, deciding to face my past (and present) head on is definitely not taking the easy way out.
For someone with Depression, anxiety including social anxiety, RSD and a self esteem that sinks lower than the lowest part of the ocean, this experience can be described as a bit of a contradiction of emotions. “Emotions”… something I have only recently discovered I have, because you know, strong people don’t show emotion, we wear a mask, and over the years we condition ourselves to permanently wear our poker face.
As mentioned in my first blog post. Talking about needing and getting help has not been the easiest experience due to the stigma attached to it. When I decided to get help, I realized for the first time how alone I really was. I could not even tell my family. The ones I did tell judged me. Friends?? Acquaintances? Well my fear of rejection over the years had caused me to push everyone away when it seemed (or not) that they might push me away. By me doing the rejection, I saved myself the hurt of being rejected. Saying it out loud sounds crazy, I know, but my brain just can’t seem to comprehend this.
So, when I finally told my parents that I went to seek help, it was not intentional, I was going to manipulate life and my relationship with them to make it barrable and take this information with me to the grave. I happened to be with them that day, and a series of events had lead me to have a meltdown. Nope, getting help is not a magical potion that takes it all away, it takes daily work and sometimes it all ends up being a shit show regardless of how hard you try. I went with them to book them into the guesthouse they were staying at. For the first time in front of them I burst into tears, and cried, no I sobbed, snot, tears and even pig snorts in-between. The following day the question came, “are we part of the reason?”
So this is where the confusion and contradiction comes in. My broken hurt self, who does not like conflict, and won’t hurt people for fear of rejection, and because she knows what hurting is like, who is unable to express her feelings or stand up for herself, because she believes she is worthless and the new more confident person, who have learned about boundaries, emotions, loving herself, and has become the most important person in her own life, ran straight into each other at 200km per hour. Naturally you would think that an eruption or explosion occurred… but quite the opposite. I gently nodded and with a tremble in my voice said YES!!
So the meltdown and me opening up to them had gone completely different from what I had initially intended. This has allowed me to have the best relationship with them that I have had, well basically ever, or as long as my memory allows. No, it is not like in a fairy tail where all is forgotten and everything is covered in glitter and rainbows, but I have been able to confront them, and get a better understand of what was going on in their own lives at the time. What I have learned from this is that it is very easy to judge when you only see things from your own perspective. No, it does not mean that I have imagined my whole life, the events and feelings are very real. What is does mean, is that if you are not the one who breaks the cycle, it just continues. What I have learned is that “broken people, break people”, “hurt people, hurt people”. Do they love me? Of course they do, do they want the best for me, yes they do. Have they been able to properly express this over the years, no they have not. This conversation and the ones that followed and still do has given me closure. It has made me strong enough to deal with the trauma, with the resentment and the hurt. While I reassure my inner child, I cannot help but wonder what theirs have been going thru. What is their story? What has given me peace, and this has been the one thing I wanted to hear my whole life, is that I finally got to hear that they are proud of me, that I have achieved enough, that I am enough…
When I started this journey, it became evident, that despite having two siblings, we did not experience the same childhood. Not because we did not experience the same trauma, but because our responses were different. For those who know the 4 f’s of Trauma response (Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn) will understand this. So turns out I fawn. My siblings I would presume has the flight response as both of them seem to be in denial as they don’t acknowledge that it has effected them, yet both have coping mechanisms that are unhealthy and anything but ideal. (I say this without judgement) Mine.. well there will be a ton of posts describing mine… This whole process has been very confusing for them. They have always been my family and my support. What I however picked up was that my process was almost weak in their opinion. Maybe it was threatening that for the first time in my life I could stand up for myself and did not just go with the flow. Maybe it came from jealousy that I had the guts to deal with my Trauma, or maybe it is completely from misunderstanding what this is actually all about. More details on my family dynamics will still be discussed.
Thinking about my life, and what I have been thru, is like puzzle pieces finally fitting together. It has given me clarity as to why I have made choices and got myself into situations in the past. No, I did not have a terrible childhood, I had a good life. and my family is not monsters. I just happen to be one of thousands of people caught in this web of how each generation raise their children, based on their upbringing. At the end of the day, we all (or most) are just doing the best that we can.
Do I believe that I will solely break the cycle for my entire family and generations to still come? No, but I do know that I have taken the first step for my children and for my future generations.
It is up to us to break generational cycles. When they say “it runs in the family” you tell them “and this is where it runs out.” – enlightened consciousness
